I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
