i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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