Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
