ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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