That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
