she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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