Apparently you make a good broom.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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