So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Success! We fucked roommates!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
