i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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