Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
