I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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