Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
