Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize