Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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