I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
