You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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