he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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