I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
