The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
