You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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