Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
