...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
