Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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