Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
my liver is dry heaving
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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