My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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