and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
