I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I did not marry a roomba.
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