So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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