Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
