Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
