I think I am morally bankrupt
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He better not be in your backpack
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
