Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize