we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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