Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
