Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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