Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
