the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
