he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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