I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
