i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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