I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
