I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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