First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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