Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
