Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
