i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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