What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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