my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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