Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
