Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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