Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
