did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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