What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
