Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Couch. On fire.
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