Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
