is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
