Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
