If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
