Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
